TenderPosted: February 27, 2011
I’m a work in progress. Most of the time I try very hard to think about the things I say when I’m communicating with others whether it’s face to face or in some other medium. Usually I manage to stay calm when other people are twittered, but every now an then a situation will come up and I get my buttons pushed.
This happened a few weeks ago. I won’t go into any details other than to say it was in relation to a group that I am a part of and a particular task that I had been working on. The results of the task got questioned and I responded very bluntly in an email. And I admitted at the beginning that my response was visceral and not edited for sensitivity but that I needed to say it.
This was before G left for SF and since then I had not heard personally from the recipient (who is kind of the leader of this group) until yesterday. We now have an “appointment” to speak on Tuesday. Given my tendency toward obsessive thinking having 3 days to ruminate about the upcoming conversation is not really a good thing. Seven million scenarios have already played out in my head.
I’m not exactly sorry about what I said. I was blunt but not mean (I think). I addressed my concerns to one person and did not splash my unedited feelings to the entire group, which would have been wrong. But I do think that given this difference of opinion, the group and I will probably part ways. It makes me sad in some ways but in others I will be relieved if that happens. I’ve never been much of a joiner and group dynamics are difficult for me at the best of times. I hate conflict and most of the time I just shrug and say “Whatever.”
This is one of those times where I so wish I could turn off my chittering, chattering monkey mind. I am really trying not to worry (i.e., use my imagination to create something I don’t want), but old habit die hard and I HATE the thought of hurting someone’s feelings even when I know on a larger scale what I said was pretty minor. And, the situation that was the catalyst for all this is resolving itself as well, as such things always do.
It’s when stuff like this happens, I feel like I’ve made no progress at all in my own personal evolution. I feel raw and tender and too vulnerable. I feel responsible for creating conflict which I hate.
48 hours and counting. It sucks.