Tender

I’m a work in progress. Most of the time I try very hard to think about the things I say when I’m communicating with others whether it’s face to face or in some other medium. Usually I manage to stay calm when other people are twittered, but every now an then a situation will come up and I get my buttons pushed.

This happened a few weeks ago. I won’t go into any details other than to say it was in relation to a group that I am a part of and a particular task that I had been working on.  The results of the task got questioned and I responded very bluntly in an email. And I admitted at the beginning that my response was visceral and not edited for sensitivity but that I needed to say it.

This was before G left for SF and since then I had not heard personally from the recipient (who is kind of the leader of this group) until yesterday. We now have an “appointment” to speak on Tuesday. Given my tendency toward obsessive thinking having 3 days to ruminate about the upcoming conversation is not really a good thing. Seven million scenarios have already played out in my head.

I’m not exactly sorry about what I said. I was blunt but not mean (I think). I addressed my concerns to one person and did not splash my unedited feelings to the entire group, which would have been wrong.  But I do think that given this difference of opinion, the group and I will probably part ways. It makes me sad in some ways but in others I will be relieved if that happens. I’ve never been much of a joiner and group dynamics are difficult for me at the best of times.  I hate conflict and most of the time I just shrug and say “Whatever.”

This is one of those times where I so wish I could turn off my chittering, chattering monkey mind.  I am really trying not to worry (i.e., use my imagination to create something I don’t want), but old habit die hard and I HATE the thought of hurting someone’s feelings even when I know on a larger scale what I said was pretty minor. And, the situation that was the catalyst for all this is resolving itself as well, as such things always do.

It’s when stuff like this happens, I feel like I’ve made no progress at all in my own personal evolution. I feel raw and tender and too vulnerable. I feel responsible for creating conflict which I hate.

48 hours and counting. It sucks.

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7 thoughts on “Tender

  1. I’m so sorry – I get what you’re saying, this was all coming to this probably inevitable conclusion one way or another… and this way of doing it just happens to hit some old buttons for you.

    It will be fine, as someone very dear to me often says, “don’t overthink it.” I can’t pass along that advice from too much experience, but I do think it’s wise.

    Hugs, be gentle with yourself.

  2. You are human, is all. I hope you find something fun to do to occupy your time – maybe make a favourite meal (and post the recipe?)

  3. I agree with makingspace..be kind to yourself.
    you say you were not mean, but blunt.
    I think i know you- though only through your online self- well enough to think that you were blunt because it mattered.
    I think you would hate it more if you were ‘nice’ (read ‘passive’) and let something happen that you disapprove of.
    48 hours..go and cuddle G for as many of those as can be managed..

  4. Oh dear. Not knowing what has happened, I can only speculate. But, here this: blunt isn’t bad. Blunt is usually cutting to the chase, upfront, direct. I consider that an admirable quality.

    However, I also suffer from the hyper-drive imagination, and am a terrible ‘what if-er’. Please spend some time quietly meditating. It could help calm your mind.

    xoxo

  5. Thank you to all. Watching the Oscars last night helped. Work today was good. I am going swimming in a few and in the morning I’ll meditate before the phone rings.

    Love you guys!

    GG

  6. Pingback: Thursdays « Grumpy Granny

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