Chaos Rules

I lost my daughter in middle school. One day, she was there, and the next, I had some kind of bizarre changeling who wouldn’t talk to me, wouldn’t do any of her school work, and spent an inordinate amount of time trying to run away from home or being gone from home. My worst fear from the time she was born was that she would get pregnant. Of course, since I thought about it all the time, Law of Attraction worked beautifully and gave me what I didn’t want. She got pregnant at 16. I wanted to kick her out of the house, I wanted to scream and cry and rant and rave and beat her about the head and shoulders. I can ever explain to other people how that, my daughter getting pregnant, was the worst thing that ever happened to me. People look at me like I’m nuts. But it’s true. That was the worst thing that has ever happened to me. Because *I* never wanted to be a parent. Because *I* let myself be blackmailed into getting pregnant and having a baby. And I am still dealing with the fallout.

Cut to the present. Not only did my daughter have to have one kid, she had to have another one, with another guy. Now, that in itself is not so bad, but now they are breaking up, trying to break up, whatever you want to call it. Back in April 2006, the two boys (then 3 and 5) were involved in a handgun accident where the younger one shot the older one through the arm. Dad went to jail, my daughter spent several months’ under the care of the count dept. of social services, and I tore my hair out.

Here’s the deal—the reason WHY my daughter getting pregnant the first time was such an awful thing for me was that she was 16 and a MINOR. All I could see was a flashback to how totally and utterly depressed I had been for the 9 months that I was pregnant, and how much I hated being a parent. Parenthood has brought me nothing but worry, despair, and a much lower bank account. Here I was, barely into my 40’s and I was going to have to raise another kid.

Well, I finally settled down and realized that I didn’t HAVE to raise them, but the way it looks now, I’m going to have to make a choice to either raise them more than I want to, or cut myself completely out of their lives because their mother can’t cut this idiot guy off. All they do is scream and yell at each other, and I ache for those 2 beautiful little boys who never did anything wrong, except get born to idiots.

It’s a horrible horrible thing to wish your own child was dead, but half the time I do. All I can see in her future is misery and chaos. And it seems to be just what she wants. I’ve told her to call DSS, told her to file restraining orders, told her to call the cops. No, she just mealymouths around, tells me what I want to hear and then goes straight back to her chaotic ways. Maybe I need Dr. Phil!!

Well, if there’s anyone out there who might sympathize or empathize, I’d be happy to hear from you. She’s 24 now and her kids are 4 and 6, and this is really affecting them and neither she nor the other party seem to care. It makes me angry and it makes me sick.

Ok, I’ve dumped enough for one night.

GG

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