Making Choices and Changes

Last week nearly killed me. I haven’t been at that level of stress in a long time–maybe right after I started being a paralegal working for a new attorney and neither one of us knew what the hell we were doing.

I started a new account last week–I volunteered, uh oh. But it was a hospital and I’d been wanting to do inpatient work, and type operative reports (don’t ask me why but I like the gory details), and so I spoke up.

I think my company is going through one of those corporate “upheavals”. The difference is, sitting here in my house, I really have NO idea what the upheaval is all about, only that within the last couple of months, my team leader and 2 other supervisors have left and all gone to a different company. Information isn’t “trickling” down, I can sense that we probably weren’t quite ready to “go live” on the new account, there are a lot of “glitches” and all these things affect productivity.

Plus, G and I have been on this new eating program, and doing the Body + Soul challenge. It’s not really a “diet” per se, but we have made a lot of changes in how we are eating–lots more whole grains, veggies and fruit, almost no meat–by choice, believe it or not, and I haven’t felt hungry or deprived, AND my night time snacking is WAY down to a minimum. It’s been good for me and I am feeling better than I have in a while.

Part of the challenge is you have to write in your journal every day about food–whatever the subject is on that day. That has been an interesting way to explore the “whys” of my eating that go beyond just plain hunger, but last week, though I started off well, as the stress and tension built up, I blew off the writing, even though I stuck with the eating program.

Friday, we were supposed to go to a potluck with a group of women that we are getting to know better. We do a dinner once a week, very informal, usually at a restaurant, but last week it was a potluck, and I wanted to make this casserole that’s really good for cold weather. So, I made the thing on Thursday night, and figured I’d just pop it in the oven Friday afternoon and be all ready to go no problem.

But. I didn’t get it in the oven soon enough, I was running up and down the stairs trying to cook myself some lunch, and that day I really WAS hungry, because all my files were STATS and they HAD to get back to the hospital, so no getting up and wandering around. And G. was dozing on the couch as she usually does in the afternoon. That’s her habit, she’s done it since I’ve known her, but I was SO stressing over trying to eat, and thinking about the potluck and wanting to make a “good impression” (what’s THAT all about?), and all I could think of was, “oh, she’s lying there just like a MAN!”

And I HATED myself for that. And THEN, when I finally finished this LOOOONG file that I had been working on (it was 4:30 and we were supposed to pick up a friend at 4:45), I asked her to pull the casserole out of the oven, and it was nowhere NEAR done.

I just lost it. I haven’t lost it like that in a long time, and I’m not sure why. I guess I was worried that I wasn’t making my lines, meaning that my next paycheck will suck, and I was worried about being good enough for this new account, trying to juggle all that in my head along with cooking for us, getting food ready for the potluck, etc. I really blew up at G, more than I ever have. I mean, I didn’t rant and scream or call names, or get nasty, because I know how vulnerable she is to that, and because I’m really not like that, but for me, for US, it was pretty earth-shattering. If we hadn’t had to pick up this other person, I would have just got in the car and probably gone to see a movie, preferably one with lots of explosions.

But we went. I stopped at the store, G. went in and got deli salads, the party was fabulous, with L Word and karoke, and in the end I was really glad we went. The next day, G had kind of a breakdown on me, and, as women do, we cried and cleared the air.

And I got back to this program (which is more than just about eating) and started writing in my journal.

Yesterday, I was on IM a lot with some of my coworkers (it was my day off, but I worked for a couple of hours). I read the Yahoo! group for the MTs at my company. Much negativity there, feeling in the dark, missing the old boss, etc. I don’t miss her that much because I didn’t know her that well, but still, the new one is very different.

Last week, I posted a comment on my buddy Walhyrda’s blog. There’s a wonderful Buddhist saying, “Everything perfect, just as it is.” Last night, when I started to journal, that phrase kept going through my head. I decided that I would open up to it, and make a conscious effort to understand that even when things are stressful, even when they are HORRIBLE out in the world (I am also doing a “media fast” as part of this program, but I know what’s going on in Israel, I know gas prices are going back up, etc.), it is all PERFECT. There IS a reason for all this. We choose it. We say it’s because we’re following “God’s word” or whatever reason, but the bottom line is that we choose. We CHOOSE to hate and create chaos instead of peace. We CHOOSE to destroy rather than build.

Every single time, WE choose.

So, I am choosing. I am choosing to see the beauty and perfection in every single thing that surrounds me, from the mumbling doctor who drives me to distraction, to the beautiful quilt-block coloring that my grandson did for me for Christmas that hangs across from me as I type every day.

I know I won’t be able to maintain this Buddha-like attitude all day every day, but I choose to go in that direction. I choose to see perfection when I look at the world.

And you know what? Today was a GREAT day!

What do you choose?



4 thoughts on “Making Choices and Changes

  1. w, you sure had a rough week! This was a very inspirational post and I’m glad you shared it. 🙂 I’m even more glad that you had an awesome day!

  2. Walhydra says, “Boo! I don’t wanna choose! I wanna blame someone else!”


    Oh, well…. This reminds me of an old Linus saying: “There’s nothing so annoying as an obvious truth.”

    The relevant “obvious truth” here is that the good Buddhist advice is not fun or easy to do.

    Meanwhile, Walhydra wonders: “Is it something about January?! I can’t wait till Imbolc comes and things get unlocked again…I hope….”

    Blessèd Be,
    Michael Bright Crow

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