I Want to Feel Better, or Merry Fucking Christmas

Today has been a better day.  I did my part–I called the boys’ school and let them know what happened over the weekend so that the teachers can be in the loop if there is any acting out behavior.  They did come over the night J moved all the stuff out of the house.  GS2 cried because he wanted to stay with his dad.  GS1 retreated into the computer and played games; he is much like me in that regard.  I cuddled the other one on the couch and Peaches, sensing emotional upheaval, sat on his lap and nibbled his Cheetos.  This from the dog who turns up her nose at anything except chicken.  We watched the Iron Chefs battle it out over chocolate, the boys getting a kick out of Cat Cora making ice cream with liquid nitrogen.

They slept through the night in their makeshift beds, and woke up early to watch cartoons and eat breakfast.  Mom called around 10 am, came to get them around noon.  We simply told them that grandmas and Peaches would always be here in this house for them to stay with if they needed to.

The rest of the day was destroyed.  It was much warmer than the previous week of below-zero temps and snow, so I sat for a while outside, just getting some warm sun on my face.  I felt completely unmotivated, not wanting to read, write, eat, sleep or do anything except sit.  I tried not to let this affect me so much, telling myself it IS better than before because there was no physical violence involved, anything.  But it’s not better.  I know things will work out.  I do have that faith.  I don’t want my daughter staying with someone who talks to her worse than one would speak to a dog, who cuts down all her hard efforts at trying to make a better life for herself (going to school, etc.).  I would not urge that on anyone.  But I know she loves him and I believe he loves her.  I have seen him get teary-eyed when she wept over pictures of her grandmother.  I’ve heard him offer to go home and run her a bath.  He carries a school picture of her in his wallet.  I don’t think he is a bad person; but they are both trapped in these patterns of behavior and it will take a lot of self-work to admit to themselves and each other that they are each at least 50% responsible for this and that they have to fix themselves before they can even work on their relationship, if they even still want to.  I’m not sure if either of them will get to that place any time soon.

So, that was all going around in my head all day yesterday as I spent the last half of the day in a blue funk. G, of course, steam-cleaned the whole house and re-arranged the basement.  I wish I was so motivated at times like these!

Today was a little better.  I woke up at 4 am but was damned if I was going to get up, so manged to get myself back to sleep until after 7 am.  Unheard of for me.  I made coffee and enjoyed the first really bright day we’ve had in a few.  I’ve gotten used to the 300+ days of sunshine we have here, I guess.

I did manage to hurt my wife’s feelings rather badly with a stupid remark I made.  I honestly didn’t mean it the way it came out or the way that she took it, but we talked about it and I hope it’s better.  I would never hurt her on purpose for the world.

Things got better after that.  We decided to go for a walk and have breakfast at our favorite coffee shop.  Then we went and found some wonderful fabric to recover an old chair that I inherited when I was living in my apartment.  We are in the process of re-vamping our living room, trying to downsize the furniture (do you know how HARD it is to find “smaller” furniture???), while at the same time having more seating areas for guests, etc.  Photos will follow.

Then we went to the store to buy split peas so I could make soup out of a Honey B@ked ham bone I bought.  We got all kinds of good stuff but forgot the peas of course!  So, G has PT in a little while, and I will get the peas this time.  We recycled a bunch of newspapers and I am cleaning out closets of “business” type clothes that I know I will never wear again.  I hope do donate these along with other things to a woman who puts together much needed assistance to Pueblo’s migrant worker population.

Today has been a lot better than yesterday.  We’ve hashed out a few things between us, always an ongoing process.  I waver between wanting to rant and rave about all this crap and feeling like why bother to talk about it at all, because it’s out of my hands and there’s nothing I can do.  The trouble is, as much as I try to help it, when things like this happen in my daughter’s life the arrow flies right back into my heart of that fateful, long-ago decision I made to have that baby, and all THAT stuff comes up to me again.  Somehow, one of these days, I simply have to let that go.  I think I am learning, but it still happens.

Hopefully, this time, I’ll be able to get past it today, and next time even sooner.  Progress is about the only thing we can hope for, right?

GG

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4 thoughts on “I Want to Feel Better, or Merry Fucking Christmas

  1. It’s never easy, is it? And, it feels almost inevitable to fall into the trap of “where did I go wrong?” I tortured myself with that for several years when my daughter hooked up with her current boyfriend. But, I have learned that she gets to live her life and learn her lessons while I keep doing living and learning too. But, it’s never easy.

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