I’m Angry and I Can’t Sleep

It’s 1:30 a.m. and I’ve been trying to go to sleep for the last couple of hours.  No go.

Oddly, today was a good day. We had a followup appointment with the naturopath in Colorado Springs.  G has been doing better.  She also had an appointment at the VA today and has lost 1 more pound for a total of 20 pounds since July 16.  She had been wanting to lose about that much weight, but hell of a way to do it, and now she doesn’t want to lose any more.  The doc in COS gave her some more of the same herbal meds that she had plus a low-dose iron because she was concerned about her low ferritin levels.  We also stopped at Whole Foods to pick up some things then had a late lunch at a local hang out where G actually managed to eat a salad and felt good on the drive back.  Once we got home, we took Peaches for a good walk, sat in the hot tub and after that she was hungry, so she ate some roast beef that I had cooked and a little bit of quinoa salad that we bought today.  I mean maybe 1/4 to 1/2 cup of food.  All fine.

Then, she got “nibbly” and had some rice crackers that we also bought today.  Bad idea. Within 20 mins, she was in the bathroom literally heaving her guts out.  This was the worst episode since the ER visit a few weeks ago.  Do you have any idea how rotten, how absolutely sucking ROTTEN it is to have to hear that and not be able to





Well, it’s worse than rotten.  I can’t even describe it.  And then you feel guilty because you have a strong stomach and can eat whatever you want in any quantity at any time of the day or night and nothing bothers you, and you feel guilty because it was your idea to buy the rice crackers because the doc told her to stay away from wheat, etc. and so on.

Then, she came creeping out of the bathroom just wrung out and of course couldn’t lie down, so went to sit on the couch and try to put herself into some kind of remotely comfortable position.  I went out and sat with her.  She had the TV on to CNN.  Why, I will never know, but she is a news junkie and she likes Anderson Cooper.

There was some brou-ha-ha on about a controversy about the expansion of a mosque in Murfreesboro, Tennessee.  I should have asked her to change the channel but I didn’t.  The whole thing just made me sick, like most of the news these days.

I simply do not understand it.  I. Don’t. Get. It.

Apparently, according to the woman who spoke against the mosque, the reason they were against it was that someone on their board of directors either had ties to terrorist groups or had made anti-Jew/terrorist statements on a MyFace page.

According to the Muslim woman who spoke FOR the mosque, this wasn’t true, he had been investigated and cleared.  The mosque is apparently not a NEW mosque, having been in Murfreesboro for 30 years, but their congregation (or whatever you call the Muslim equivalent) has grown and they need more space.

It was obvious that Anderson Cooper was biased in the direction of the mosque.  He was snippy and condescending to the anti-woman and he was talking too fast during both interviews, probably trying to stay within his allotted time.  His whole attitude pissed me off.

Oh, my god, religion.  Who CARES?  I mean, really WHO CARES who you worship?  Worship god, worship allah, worship krishna, worship your lawn furniture, what fucking difference does it matter?  WHY do you CARE what someone else believes?  And why would you even WANT everyone else to believe like you?  How utterly BORING would that be?  And further, IF you believe in whatever your idea of “god” is, and by “god” I mean the supreme, creative, overarching power that created EVERY-FUCKING-THING that is, then how could whatever you believe matter one subatomic particle to he/she/it anyway?

Like god CARES how or if we worship him/her/it?  Like we CARE what the ants think when we stomp on the ant hill?  Please.  And even if whatever you do believe is “right”, aren’t we all going to die and find out eventually anyway? Give it a rest already.

Of course, this all segued into another program about how so many Americans believed that President Obama is really an Islamist sympathizer, that he hates white people, blah, blah and blah.  I can’t even go on.  I just get nauseated thinking about it.

What are they SO FUCKING AFRAID OF?  WHAT? I do not understand it, and it pisses me off and what makes me even crazier is that it’s reduced me to profanity and four-letter words which are the sign of a limited vocabulary and I hate THAT even worse.

They say, oh, it’s a backlash of 9/11.  Get over 9/11 already, okay? Yes, it was a terrible tragedy, but I don’t think that America “changed forever” after that date, other then to suddenly become infinitely STUPIDER.  Did we actually think we could never be attacked?  Did we actually think that there aren’t people in the world who want to attack us?  Live with it.  Be grateful you don’t live in a place where you get blown up going to the corner for a newspaper on a DAILY BASIS.  The problem is is that Americans are such fucking teenagers.  It’s all drama all the time, and it’s ALL about US and fuck the rest of the world.

Do I love my country?  Yes.  Am I grateful to live here? Absolutely.  Do I think that barring mosques and building a big fence between California, Arizona, New Mexico, Texas and Mexico is going to solve our problems?  Fuck, NO.

I keep coming back to the question–WHAT are we so afraid of?  If there’s all this wonderful FAITH going around and if god really IS on “our side”, then why all this fear mongering?  Who’s benefiting?  Who’s profiting?  That’s the ultimate question in all of this.

It just pisses me off that the “land of the free and home of the brave” has become the “land of the suspicious and the home of the scared to death”.

Now maybe I can get some sleep.


6 thoughts on “I’m Angry and I Can’t Sleep

  1. It sounds like it was a really really tough night, and you couldn’t get the kind of show you wanted to watch because of being afraid to change anything away from what might bring HER relief.

    I hope she’s feeling more stable soon, sending lots of good vibes.

    My take on the media frenzy around Islam/mosques/Obama is that it reflects a rather small segment of society. That segment of society doesn’t mind screaming at TV cameras, so they get a lot of press. I really think it’s OK to turn it off and just focus on your own family. I really really do.

  2. MS – well it was on and mainly I was just trying to see if there was anything I could do to make her feel better, but she was watching it, which she does. I quit watching “the news” pretty much years ago for this reason.

    I hope you’re right about it being a small segment. The media is nothing but a fear-mongering machine, regardless of whether they’re left-biased or right-biased. It just kinda makes me sick that people take the crap that’s broadcasted as “the truth” and never bother to do any kind of independent thinking or reading or anything that actually uses their brains.

    But…there I go again, and that’s not where I want to be today. I’m looking at a 4-day week and then a 3-day weekend and that’s a good thing.

    As far as I’m concerned, the only TV I hope to watch will be instant movies on Netfilx!


  3. I think you’re on to something there – there’s a particular energy around TV news that, regardless of political affiliation, seems to be anxiety-producing. I once heard that this is because TV is mostly a medium for selling us stuff. So the idea is to make us really anxious and then offer us stuff to pacify that anxiety (hamburgers and shampoo and stuff). Makes sense when you look at how commercials and shows relate.

    Anyway, I hope you have a great weekend and give up the beating up on yourself for Mrs. GG’s struggles. You know you would go to hell and back to make her well, so leave it at that. At least for the weekend. Hugs to you both.

  4. Wow. Powerful stuff G.

    Seems I’m with you on all counts at the moment, from despair over the massive, shit-storm of stupid we seem stuck in the middle of, to the agony of watching your loved one suffer pain and being utterly helpless to do a damned thing about it.

    Four letter words may be a sign of a small vocabulary to some, but I prefer to think of them as the pressure valve that keeps the more intelligent among us from hacking the ignoramuses into little bitty pieces every other day.

    Hope things are better now, have a great weekend!

  5. Jay, thanks for the image of cussing as a “pressure valve”. G often wonders why I holler so much at bad drivers when I’m in the car, and then leave it behind me when I get out. I guess it’s the same thing. On the whole, I’m a pretty even-keeled person and I do believe that all our nuttiness will work out, but every now and then it just gets me.

    Looking forward to the weekend, and hope you are having a good one, too!!

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