The “undecided” in the title reflects my inability to properly title this piece. I feel scattered in about a thousand different directions. Monday, G came home with a new car. A 2011 Subaru Forester. A lovely car, a BEAUTIFUL car. I drove her to Denver in it yesterday and it’s a dream. She traded in the Ford Focus, which she had never cared for, and I guess they gave her a pretty good deal. This was her decision, and she handled the dealers with great aplomb. I guess she had them at “…once built a car to run in the Daytona 500…” which is true–she had her first husband did actually do that when they were living in Florida. See? She has as varied a background as I do!
New cars are her “thing”. She wants a clean, new, trouble-free car. I don’t blame her, it’s just one of the things that we really don’t see eye-t0-eye on and sometimes I have to swallow my comments and simply move on. Prior to meeting G, I never had a new car and never expected to have a new car. While having transportation was important, I really only wanted something that was relatively safe in engine, brakes, etc. and got me where I needed to go. I’ve never been a big car washer, polisher, cleaner etc. G hand washed the engine of the Ford before she took it in to do “car talk”. I see the point of that, but have no desire to do it. Now, she’s freaking out if the boys run up to the car (which they will, being boys and because it’s NEW!!) and when they’re in it (we picked them up from school today). It’s like, get in the car and don’t move, don’t touch, don’t anything. It’s hard for me to take. I mean, yes, I want to take care of the car. I don’t suggest otherwise. I can’t even really put my finger on it. For example, when I drive a car, I’m very consistent in how I sit in the seat. In the other car, my heel wore a hole in the floor mat because it was always in EXACTLY the same place. I didn’t notice it–I can’t SEE the damn floor mats ’cause it’s DARK down where my feet are. But I guess I should have seen it and replaced the mat. Whatever. Not that she called me on it or anything–that’s just an example. I don’t throw trash in the car, I take my stuff out of the car, I am extremely careful when I park the car. But I’m so damn paranoid something is going to happen to mark it in some way that it’s hardly any fun having the damn thing.
So enough of the car. We were in Denver yesterday–3rd trip this month. The good news, all the scopes came back good, some irritation in esophagus, but nothing major and dietary changes are obviously working. I’m tired of going to Denver. I’m particularly tired of the VA. I’m tired of spending all my days off running around DOING stuff. And I do it to myself. Today, I had some real specific things I wanted to get done, and G had to do car insurance, etc., so she left for running around. Then my freelance client emailed me and I took a small job. Yeah, I can use the money, but there went my time. I got 1 thing accomplished that I wanted to (well 2–I’m cooking a killer pork roast at the moment and about to go make roasted veggies to go with), but I wanted to work on my office, work on getting the agenda together for a meeting I’m going to on Saturday, wanted to just hang out and not feel guilty for being ALONE with myself.
I’m an introvert. If I don’t get regular down time I start to go nuts. Seriously. I want to lock myself in a small room with noise-canceling headphones and rock in the corner.
This is the time that G switches into SAD (seasonal affective disorder) mode. I LOVE fall. It energizes me. I wish the damn time would change already so the sun would come up earlier and it would be dark at NIGHT. It’s coming but not soon enough. Anyway, she’s mourning not being able to be out in the blazing sun however many hours a day and I’m reveling in being able to be outside in the glorious fall light and cool weather. It’s an odd dynamic. I want to cook and putter at my speed–which is slow. I go to clean up a basket or do organizing and I get lost in old pictures or notes or things I thought I lost, and lots of time goes by and not a lot gets done, but I enjoy myself. I don’t feel like everything has to be on a schedule.
If I tried to talk to her about it, I think I would hurt her feelings and I don’t want to do that because it’s not HER it’s me. She wanted to take me away for Thanksgiving this year, because I actually have 3 days off (Tuesday, Wednesday and T-day) and I thought at first GREAT…go to Boulder or Taos or some place we love, and then it was like, but I have to drive and then I’ll be spending all the time getting there and getting back and then we want to run around and DO stuff all the time and can’t we just stay home and tell everyone we’re gone so that they leave us alone?
Alone. I don’t get that much any more and I miss it. It’s not that I want out of this relationship. I do NOT. But my psyche needs a certain amount of solitude and not the solitude of being down here WORKING, just being alone and BEING. Sitting and staring at a tricking stream or sitting in a library and watching people or whatever. I need that. I crave that. And I’m not sure how to get it on a regular basis and that makes me sad.