The “undecided” in the title reflects my inability to properly title this piece. I feel scattered in about a thousand different directions. Monday, G came home with a new car. A 2011 Subaru Forester.  A lovely car, a BEAUTIFUL car. I drove her to Denver in it yesterday and it’s a dream. She traded in the Ford Focus, which she had never cared for, and I guess they gave her a pretty good deal. This was her decision, and she handled the dealers with great aplomb.  I guess she had them at “…once built a car to run in the Daytona 500…” which is true–she had her first husband did actually do that when they were living in Florida.  See? She has as varied a background as I do!

New cars are her “thing”. She wants a clean, new, trouble-free car. I don’t blame her, it’s just one of the things that we really don’t see eye-t0-eye on and sometimes I have to swallow my comments and simply move on. Prior to meeting G, I never had a new car and never expected to have a new car. While having transportation was important, I really only wanted something that was relatively safe in engine, brakes, etc. and got me where I needed to go.  I’ve never been a big car washer, polisher, cleaner etc.  G hand washed the engine of the Ford before she took it in to do “car talk”.  I see the point of that, but have no desire to do it. Now, she’s freaking out if the boys run up to the car (which they will, being boys and because it’s NEW!!) and when they’re in it (we picked them up from school today). It’s like, get in the car and don’t move, don’t touch, don’t anything.  It’s hard for me to take. I mean, yes, I want to take care of the car. I don’t suggest otherwise. I can’t even really put my finger on it.  For example, when I drive a car, I’m very consistent in how I sit in the seat.  In the other car, my heel wore a hole in the floor mat because it was always in EXACTLY the same place.  I didn’t notice it–I can’t SEE the damn floor mats ’cause it’s DARK down where my feet are.  But I guess I should have seen it and replaced the mat. Whatever. Not that she called me on it or anything–that’s just an example.  I don’t throw trash in the car, I take my stuff out of the car, I am extremely careful when I park the car.  But I’m so damn paranoid something is going to happen to mark it in some way that it’s hardly any fun having the damn thing.

So enough of the car. We were in Denver yesterday–3rd trip this month.  The good news, all the scopes came back good, some irritation in esophagus, but nothing major and dietary changes are obviously working.  I’m tired of going to Denver. I’m particularly tired of the VA.  I’m tired of spending all my days off running around DOING stuff.  And I do it to myself. Today, I had some real specific things I wanted to get done, and G had to do car insurance, etc., so she left for running around. Then my freelance client emailed me and I took a small job.  Yeah, I can use the money, but there went my time.  I got 1 thing accomplished that I wanted to (well 2–I’m cooking a killer pork roast at the moment and about to go make roasted veggies to go with), but I wanted to work on my office, work on getting the agenda together for a meeting I’m going to on Saturday, wanted to just hang out and not feel guilty for being ALONE with myself.

I’m an introvert. If I don’t get regular down time I start to go nuts. Seriously.  I want to lock myself in a small room with noise-canceling headphones and rock in the corner.

This is the time that G switches into SAD (seasonal affective disorder) mode.  I LOVE fall.  It energizes me.  I wish the damn time would change already so the sun would come up earlier and it would be dark at NIGHT.  It’s coming but not soon enough.  Anyway, she’s mourning not being able to be out in the blazing sun however many hours a day and I’m reveling in being able to be outside in the glorious fall light and cool weather.  It’s an odd dynamic.  I want to cook and putter at my speed–which is slow.  I go to clean up a basket or do organizing and I get lost in old pictures or notes or things I thought I lost, and lots of time goes by and not a lot gets done, but I enjoy myself.  I don’t feel like everything has to be on a schedule.

If I tried to talk to her about it, I think I would hurt her feelings and I don’t want to do that because it’s not HER it’s me.  She wanted to take me away for Thanksgiving this year, because I actually have 3 days off (Tuesday, Wednesday and T-day) and I thought at first GREAT…go to Boulder or Taos or some place we love, and then it was like, but I have to drive and then I’ll be spending all the time getting there and getting back and then we want to run around and DO stuff all the time and can’t we just stay home and tell everyone we’re gone so that they leave us alone?

Alone.  I don’t get that much any more and I miss it.  It’s not that I want out of this relationship. I do NOT. But my psyche needs a certain amount of solitude and not the solitude of being down here WORKING, just being alone and BEING.  Sitting and staring at a tricking stream or sitting in a library and watching people or whatever.  I need that. I crave that.  And I’m not sure how to get it on a regular basis and that makes me sad.


9 thoughts on “Undecided

  1. My, my, you do sound at sixes and sevens, GG. I can appreciate your craving for solitude, although it does have its drawbacks. I just bit the bullet and bought a new car too (my first ever) – I think I’m much more like you than the way you describe G on this front. Sorry to give up may familiar 1993 Accord with 174,000 miles on it, but looking forward to a more worry-free winter. Sorry to hear your Thanksgiving trip to Boulder may not be in the offing, but love your sentiment “can’t we just stay home and tell everyone we’re gone so that they leave us alone?” 🙂

    Hang in there,

  2. wow. so much going on, GG. the car story. I can identify with that, only with me and my man, its his bakeware. I am encouraged to do that, but i know he likes it pristine at the end of it. speaking of which, do you know how to get burnt-on caramel off an oven? 😉
    As for the not getting to be alone, well..if one is determined to look at the positive bit, it is good to be challenged, to not HAVE to be alone. as far as the restful ‘me’ time is concerned, that is difficult. but I have gotten up in the wee hours just for the early morning solitude..it can be so beautiful, and so much more precious because it needs to be reached out for

  3. I wonder if the answer is in the wish somehow – like maybe you can’t picture how it could happen right now but the way will appear…

    I don’t know. I have two kids, one sick one and one with an itchy head (DON’T SAY IT!!!) asleep on the floor of my room tonight. So I don’t really know from solitude. LOL You find it, you lemme know the secret.

  4. Thanks for the encouragement–it means a lot. Chicu–I am not much of an oven cleaner, but I have found that if you put a damp towel on sticky things, they often come off easier. Definitely while the oven is OFF! 😉 I am already up in the mornings around 5 a.m. Don’t think I can rise much earlier and be good at work!! But you are right–it is a lovely time of day and my favorite.

    MS – Just don’t see how you do it with twins. I never thought I’d get through my daughter’s childhood with any sort of sanity–and maybe I didn’t who knows?

    Eggy–Congrats on the new car!! My saddest day was when I finally had to give up my 1985 Thunderbird. Transmission went out and at 250,000 miles, just wasn’t worth fixing. Bought used but one of the best cars I ever owned. I liked our other car (particularly the 30-35 mpg) but G is the car owner/buyer and I freely acknowledge that I most likely wouldn’t be driving anything if it weren’t for her, so I must let that go.

    I’ll get better. Thanks again.

  5. Of course you’ll get better. We always do, don’t we?

    The car: you and me, sister. I have never owned a new car and never will. T, however, has almost always owned new cars. Thankfully, she is not as meticulous as G, I mean, she is in construction so her vehicles are really for working. But, I’m always worried about the damn thing getting a scratch.

    As for the alone time, this is one of our biggest issues. T is just beginning to understand that I am not rejecting her when I need alone time, and I am just beginning to be able to voice that need. I’m not getting enough, but I am trying to eke out a little time for myself here and there. Like you, I would love to have time to just putter. No obligation to get anything done, no schedule, no agenda, just time to futz around, or time to observe and ponder. That’s what I miss most about being single.

    Hang in there.

  6. e- GOD, it’s nice to have someone who understands!! Thank you, my friend! G always says, “I don’t schedule anything for me on your days off so we can be together.” No offense EVER to her, but sometimes I don’t WANT to “be together” when we are “together” in the house nearly all the time. It’s hard to explain without feelings getting hurt and I never want that and it’s not what I mean. She’s better at understanding and I’m better at voicing the need. I will indeed get better.

    Thanks again!

  7. “I’m an introvert. If I don’t get regular down time I start to go nuts.”

    I definitely know about this. Hubby Jim knows that when I first get home from work, he needs to stay away until I’ve changed my clothes and had time to ground myself. This was especially the case a decade ago when I still worked in the SC prison system…but library customers can do it to me, too.

    Wish I knew what to suggest for you and G.

    Jim and I learned that couples usually have a set of “conflicts” which will never be resolved, because they have to do with basic personality traits.

    What you have to do is recognize which issues aren’t part of that bundle and work on that bunch.

    You both need to know what the “irresolvables” are. That way, whoever first notices that you are arguing (or doing the silent treatment) over one the irresolvables can use an “escape mechanism”–some sort of safe timeout gesture that lets both people back away.

    One definite clue for me is if Jim gets visibly angry or goes quiet on me. Anger was NOT allowed in his childhood family. Even if I, too, am angry or hurting, I know I need to back off and wait till later…and then find a non-confrontive way of addressing what still needs to be addressed.

    The catch is you have to trust each other enough to share the knowledge of what the resolvables and irresolvables are, and agree to back off from the latter.

    It’s sometimes very difficult to let go of the irresolvables, but partners can’t change each other’s personalities.

    Holding you both in the Light.

    Blessed Be,

  8. Michael, I am so blessed to know you. Thank you for your wise and kind words. G and I have wonderful communication, but sometimes it is just hard for me to open up. I know she will give me whatever “space” is necessary for me, but I am still (after 8 years) not in the habit of feeling comfortable asking for mySELF. That’s my issue and I have to keep working it. I have to be able to say what I want or need, otherwise, how will she (or anyone) know? You are so right that one cannot change another’s personality, nor do I want to. People living together will bump against each other occasionally, it’s simply inevitable. Thank you for giving me some good terms to add to my “toolbox” of skills on navigating this most precious relationship!

    Blessings to you and Jim, too!

  9. As usual I am late reading this. You are so much like my Lori when it comes to the whole “needing time alone” issue, that it is scary. lol

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