Finally! A daily subject with a bit more optimism. Sometimes digging into the truth of your life and your past is tough. This exercise has brought up a lot of things, not to mention my last post which was also a blast from the past and not really in a good way.
But. Today’s subject is a happy one. What’s the best thing going for me right now? At the very top of that list, without hesitation, is by far my relationship with G. What we have together is something I never expected to have with another person, male or female, ever. And it’s not so much about what I feel for her, it’s how she feels about ME and how she makes it known.
I’ve learned enough to admit that a big part of the failure of my previous relationships was my inability to accept being loved. I know, right? What’s not to love about me? Really? But I think we all have a harder time being loved than loving–or at least doing what we THINK is loving. Although, I also admit that sometimes things I have done under the umbrella of “love” were not really very loving or caring.
But. This–relationship, marriage, partnership–whatever you choose to call it, has brought me joy, strength, passion, laughter, some tears, yes, but generally good ones, tears that made me stronger afterward. I’ve never been with anyone who was so willing to give her honesty and demand mine back–not in a controlling way, but because it was only fair. The things that she has been through in her life continue to make me cringe sometimes, but how she has dealt with them, how she continues to, how much she loves her life and is so caring of everyone she comes in contact with, well, she herself is a huge argument for the “nature vs. nurture” debate. Coming from an upbringing of virtually NO “nurture”, her own sweet, strong nature has triumphed and I get to be the lucky recipient of that. What a gift.
So that’s the biggest thing I’ve got going for me. She has my back, totally, and forever. There is complete trust between us, something else I’ve never really had with anyone else. I would never do anything to hurt her and because of that, she has made me a better person.
In addition to that huge gift (as if it weren’t enough), I love where we live. I LOVE Pueblo. It is a hidden gem of a place. People coming in might think–oh, blue collar town, steel mill, not so great education stats, high teen pregnancy, whatever. By a lot of measurements, it might not stand up.
But the dichotomy is the intrigue. The physical beauty of this place and where it sits in the world is stunning. Mountains on three sides, prairie to the east. Mild weather for the most part (as I write this it is MINUS 11 outside, but hey, it’s winter!), a great agricultural business which means local food, little traffic, short lines in all the businesses and you can still buy a damn fine house for under $100,000. But hey, don’t tell anyone, okay? 😉
There are small businesses here that are thriving. We recently got our own “alternative” newspaper. We have 3 busy local theater companies and 2 colleges, a community college that offers all kinds of programs and works closely with local businesses and technologies to put in the kinds of courses that will get the graduates jobs that will actually allow them to make a living wage, and a 4-year university. We have a library that was named Colorado’s Library of the Year last year. In a climate where libraries are closing all over the country, I cannot tell you how good this makes me feel.
I love my wife, I love my town, you’ve all seen our house and our gardens, so you know how that’s working for us. And finally, in spite of my rants here and there about doctors and language, etc. I do love my job. I learn something new from it every day. I love my office down here in the basement, I love that I can work from home in my pajamas. I may have to work at something from now on, but so what? I’m at home and I can go upstairs and have a cup of coffee with G, or check out what’s growing in the garden or play with the dog and then run back to my next document. I have everything I could possibly ever need or want. I have enough. I have plenty.
My cup runneth over with love, joy and possibility. What more could I possibly ask?