Bodily Functions

Yeah, it’s one of “those” posts, so if you don’t want to read, I’ll give you a couple of spaces and you can move on to the next blog and come back later. But it’s my blog and I can write about what I want to write about.


I guess it’s safe now. In May, I will be 54 years old. I keep wondering, where, oh, WHERE is this alleged and much longed-for “menopause” I keep hearing about. Where, I ask, no, I BEG you, where is it?

Granted, my last period was in September, so I’ve had 5 months of relief, but it seems like just when I’m getting used to not constantly worrying about when my period is going to start, WHAM! It shows up with a vengeance.

I had plans for this week, dammit!  I was going to seriously get back into my workout routine–biking, walking, swimming, especially swimming. Well all that’s down the drain, so to speak. When I got back from Denver, I was showing signs, but I hoped things might lighten up a bit. No such luck.  It’s one of those times when I’m afraid to stand up after sitting for a while because the bottom quite literally falls out.  Sleeping is iffy at best because I don’t want to ruin the bed. Oh, you might think, cramps.  No, no cramps.  Haven’t had cramps in years. Just lots and lots and LOTS of blood. Gushes of blood.

But enough about me. Somehow, either Peaches did a little something in the house and I didn’t see it and stepped in it or else I stepped in it in the yard and dragged it in, but I had dog poop on my shoes yesterday, which I didn’t notice until I was in the car after work, running errands. Yuk. Bad enough to be worrying about leaving the house for more than 10 minutes, NOW I had poop on my shoes and the new car was stinking. UGH.

So, got home and got the shoes cleaned off, then I walked barefoot on the bedroom carpet (I rarely go barefoot) and noticed some dried spots.  Couldn’t really SEE them because the carpet is a mottled brown/tan pattern.  More UGH.

So, this morning, I was washing out sheets, scrubbing the carpet with hot vinegar water and baking soda and generally cursing all bodily functions, regardless.

On the up side, it’s a lovely day outside.  I won’t see much of it, but the sun is shining in the windows down here. The baby tomatoes are looking great, a couple just starting to get their 2nd set of leaves.  I found a package of lovely flatiron steaks at the store the other day, cut in portions just right for breakfast, so I had steak and eggs this morning, my favorite.  And, I decided to take the last large bunch of grapes in the fridge and make my own raisins in the dehydrator.

And, a young man in the neighborhood who does graffiti art stopped by to talk about painting the alley side of our garage.  He wanted to do it today, but since G is out of town, I asked him to come back next week and talk to her because she definitely wants her input. He said he would and I hope he does.  We really like the pieces he’s done on other garages, etc. around the area, and we’d like to encourage him.

So, despite the ups and downs of this old carcass, things move along, move along.  I suppose I should be thankful that I’m still “juicy” and not a dried up old prune.  Or raisin. 😉

All right, next time, back to your regularly scheduled programming and no icky stuff.

I promise.


10 thoughts on “Bodily Functions

  1. Oh my. I’m ten years behind you, and I’m already wondering when this monthly blessing will cease. I guess not in the next couple of years… OK, girding my loins…

    You people wear shoes in the house!!!! Eek!!!!

    Random dog poop emanating from difficult-to-identify-locations – ew. I haaaaate that.

    You should totally get a tat for surviving all of that. Ha.

  2. Oh, yea, get ready. Fun times ahead.

    I, personally, wear shoes in the house. I don’t like going barefoot at all (probably sequelae from my mom’s diabetic foot troubles) AND I have chronic cold feet (since childhood). Plus I do all these medical reports about mangled feet, you know…I guess it rubs off eventually.

    On the poop front–it does appear that I tracked it in from outside. No further incidents today and the door was open for her to go in and out at will.

    Yeah, a tat of what…pile of dog poop and a kotex? I don’t think so! ROTFL

  3. See, I kind of understand your reasoning about shoes in the house, but it’s been fifteen years since I’ve lived anywhere where ANYONE wore shoes in the house, so it’s hard for me to wrap my brain around. When my house was being built, there were big signs put up as soon as the flooring went in so even the contractors/construction workers would take off their work boots before entering.

    I’m glad you have had no recurrence of The Indoor Poop and I’m glad it appears to be a case of misplacement rather than an indoor accident. Phew.

    The tat would be something fierce indicating the possibility of surviving anything. Haha

  4. Well, my house shoes are “slides” that can come off easily. It’s not like I’m wearing hiking boots…although I HAVE worn my snow boots when it was really cold down here.

    Fierce tat will have to wait till after the Alcatraz swim, THEN it will be something fierce for sure!

    Check yr email! LOL

  5. Ohhhh I got it, house shoes. Yeah I sometimes think I should get me some of those. Concrete block under the flooring, yanno.

    Oh yeah a fierce tat after swimming to Alcatraz, fersure.


  6. I too am on the cusp of 54 and wondering wtf with no menopause yet. I am just at the tail end of an almost two-week period and I can totally relate to worrying about ruining the bed, standing up, etc.

    Oh, and I can see your medical terminology coming out, when you referred to “sequelae”.

  7. heh. I’m in perimenopause and I hate it. Mood swings, heavy bleeding and glad I don’t own a gun.

    I love going barefoot in the house though.

    Wasn’t yesterday just absolutely lovely? We did yardwork and I loved it!

  8. Hi, Z! What fun we women go through, don’t we?

    However, I will tell you this–after all the medical reports I’ve done, I wouldn’t trade any of it for a prostate!!! Seriously.

    Liz, yes, the lingo does rub off sometimes! 😉

    I missed yesterday totally while I was working. Determined to take the dog for a walk this afternoon, otherwise I think she will kill me in my sleep!

    Happy Sunday, all!

  9. And here I thought that “I” held the record for the world’s oldest menstruating woman! But I do come to hold forth a bit of hope. I finally had my last period around age 56. (I’m 59 now.) Five years ago I finally had to have a hip replacement, after many years of distance running. My partner, Cheryl, happens to be the Surgeon’s First Assistant. I asked her what to do about my period on the day of surgery. She looked a little puzzled, then said she didn’t remember any other hip replacement patients asking her that! It finally just STOPPED! One month I didn’t get a period, and that was the end of it. Easiest transition ever. I wish the same for you.

  10. GG, you were definitely having a day! Yikes~!

    I’m happy to say that I am bucking the trend on this blog post. I’m going to be 52 in a couple of months and I stopped about 3 years ago. Thank Goddess for that! My partner though, is in the completely unpredictable, heavy flow, long lasting, sheet staining, aggravating phase of perimenopause. Yuk. She doesn’t have the mood swings too badly, but we make up for that by having the teenaged niece living with us… the other end of the menstrual spectrum.

    Life is grand, ain’t it?

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