When It Hits

It comes out of nowhere with no particular regularity.  I can’t predict it to cycles of the moon or my body or the seasons or anything like that. G would of course link it to some kind of “anniversary” in PTSD-speak, but I reject that.  It happens when it happens. I deal with it and move on.

But when it hits, it sinks me.  Every single choice, every decision I’ve ever made in my life, every relationship, everything I think of as mine, rears up and smacks me in the face, screaming, “You were WRONG!  You should have done THAT, not THIS!” It’s a tangible weight, pressing on me like being the bottom guy in an NFL pile-on.  And it keeps piling on.

Worse (if possible) is anyone trying to help me.  I want to slap them away like mosquitoes, leave me alone, Alone, ALONE, already, because alone is all that helps and all I want, all I deserve at those times.  And sleep.  Blessed unconsciousness.  The blackness that erases all the crazy meanderings around in the circuits of my brain, chasing down the quantum endings of each path taken and not taken.

What if I’d turned HERE?  What if I’d been smart enough to miss THAT exit, where would I be now, how much better off?  How much worse?  Still alive, even?  The questions never stop.

No drugs.  No meds.  Usually just a lot of frantic, frenetic mental activity while I’m sitting in one place.  Anyone else would think I’m a bump on a log, but my mind is a hamster wheel on crack, trying to process everything back into order and oblivion, while I sit calmly on the couch reading a magazine article about how to find calmness in meditation.  As if.

It goes along.  Everything annoys me like I’m some kind of huge, walking oyster and just being alive is an irritant.  I can only pray that each grain of annoying thought or speech or action (my own and others’) will be smoothed over eventually and become pearls of wisdom that I can wear later when it hits again.

It’ll be over soon.  It always is.  I feel it lift.  Sometimes when I exercise, sometimes when I’m completely still, sometimes it’s gone when I wake up another day.  I can’t explain it out loud without everyone trying to explain or diagnose or excuse or say, oh, it’s because of this or this or this.

It’s NOT.  It would happen regardless because it just does.

I deal with it.  I manage.  I go on.  Just don’t touch me.


7 thoughts on “When It Hits

  1. Sending you a huge space bubble to surround you and give you the room and energy you need.

    You know, in the old days when folks went through something like this, friends would find a cave and make the person comfy inside, then sit outside at a decent distance and do drumming circles and things in order to support the energy going on inside the cave.

    So says my therapist.

    So – distance, space, cave, and friends drumming in the distance vibes goin’ your way.

    P.S. You did everything right. Dashing off now.

  2. {{{{{Igraine}}}}

    I’m holding you in the Light.

    It might help to remember that Mercury went retrograde on Thursday the 30th.

    Here’s a good article about it: 2011 — Mercury retrograde in the Fire signs.

    The passage that has helped me already is this one:

    “The central theme of Mercury retrograde in the Fire signs this year may be to stop and take stock of our ideas, speech and communications, and to find the balance between passion and prudence, between doing something and simply talking about doing it.

    “There is a lot of Aries fire energy at the moment, including the Sun and Mercury, and a lot of people may be feeling the heat. Think of Mercury retrograde as a gentle breeze that can regulate the flames, but be wary of starting a forest fire or extinguishing the flame altogether!”

    Blessed Be,

  3. “Everything annoys me like I’m some kind of huge, walking oyster and just being alive is an irritant.”

    I’ve had that kind of week, too. And it is EXHAUSTING to work on not snapping at people.

    Hang in there. You know it will pass. And remember to trust yourself.


  4. Pingback: Better And Not So Good « Grumpy Granny

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