Went upstairs last night after writing the last post and G was reading in bed and when I got in she started crying which she never does. After some coaxing, she told me she felt like there was no relationship any more, that we didn’t dream any more and various other things. Of course it always comes back to my daughter and the boys. She said she has been trying to find ways to help me with this swim, looking forward to going to SF in September in the fall. She came down earlier with websites/links on flights and hotels, etc. She wants to stay on Fisherman’s Wharf. I told her I just could not put anything more on my credit cards right now. I usually book flights, etc. but I can’t do this one.
She took this, I guess, like I was trying to back out of the trip, and of course it was because I’m giving my daughter money. It always comes back to that. I don’t know what to do about that. Yes, I give her money. Not a lot, 20 here, 30 there, and yes, I put new tires on her car a few weeks ago and used my c. card for that. I don’t know how to explain it. It’s all guilt. I try to get away from it, but I guess I never will. I will never escape the guilt of not wanting her and having her anyway. Is there any other woman in the world who has these feelings? Because I would sure like to hear from them. I have done everything I know how do to. I have loved her, hugged her, read to her, encouraged her, nurtured her, never put her down, never called her names, never blamed her for my bad decisions, always wanted her to be the best HER she could be and not some mirror image of me. I never wanted that. I never wanted her to live out my dreams. But all she wants is anything that I can’t understand. She has to have it her way or no way. I can’t talk to her about anything or she starts screaming and throwing the F word. If it was just her, I think I could simply cut the ties and let her go her way and just hear from her now and then. But it’s not just her. I can’t let those boys go hungry or dirty or go to foster care if it comes to that. I can’t. Fuck me, I can’t.
G says it makes her crazy to see me “go without”, to see me work all the time. She went to an Easter dinner yesterday at some friends’ house and I guess I’m one of the few of our group still working. Most are retired. Well, I will never be able to retire. I will never have the time to travel that G wanted, I made awful, horrible, bad career and life decisions early in my life and I continue to pay for them now. In November this year, it will be 30 years since I worked for the circus and completely fucked up my life. I have been paying for that ever since and I will pay for it for the rest of my life. There isn’t anything I can do to change it. All I can do is keep working and paying my part of the bills and try to smile when all I want to do is scream.
We swore when we got together that we wouldn’t let money be an issue, and it’s not between US, but somehow it is anyway. Somehow when I give my daughter money it’s some kind of big affront to G because she (my daughter) “should be on her own”. Well, yes, she should be, but she’s not for the most part. She’s on housing and whatever other little money she gets and now if she works they’ll take even that away. I don’t know what else to do. I don’t know how to get away from this. I don’t know how to say no I can’t give you twenty dollars for gas because then I know I’ll get a call at some point that “I ran out of gas and I’m stranded and the kids…fill in the blank.” I just don’t know.
G says I never do anything for myself and mostly she’s right. I just manage. I’ve always managed. I’ve had a good life, I can’t deny that, an adventurous interesting life, but I can’t seem to spend money on myself. I put 2 new pairs of shoes on layaway a few weeks ago and I have sweats figuring out how I’m going to eke out money of each check to pay for them. She asks me how she can help and I want to say, HELP Me pay my damn bills, but I can’t because the condition is–you can’t give any money to your daughter. So, I will drown in credit card debt (not that much), but I have made basically the same amount of money for NINE years, no raise, no nothing, so you do the math. Even SHE gets cost of living raises on her disability and SHE PAYS NO TAXES so she gets 100% of what they give her. How can she understand?
So, fuck it. I’m done. I am so done. I will just sit at this desk and type until I croak and then my worries will be over.