Deep And Raw

In print I am very glib. I can write about any subject. Give me an idea and I can run away on a tangent like nobody’s business. Because of this, most people think that I’ll be the same way verbally.  I’m not.  At least not when it comes to personal subjects. Sometimes my jaws feel like they are locked in place and even though the words are piled up inside my mouth screaming to get out, I cannot release them into the air. That’s one of the reasons I blog.

After the bad night, G woke up the next morning honestly bewildered about what had happened.  Scared, too.  She asked. I could barely speak to her so I stuck with the bare bones, “You got drunk and passed out.”  She had got back in bed and I was sitting there too.  She asked me something or said something about how I felt and I told her that when stuff like this happens, I go into what I call “contingency” mode.  I start planning what it would take for me to rent an apartment, move my stuff, get time off from work, grocery shop without a car, etc.  I take stock of my bank accounts, immediately think of what items I could leave behind and what I couldn’t bear to lose.  Planning and thinking in that mode keep me from feeling stuff.  Right now, I’m still not sure what I’m feeling about all this.

G is going to be house/dog sitting for a friend this week until Saturday. She won’t be very far away, just a couple of miles but the 2 dogs are really high maintenance and one has incontinence trouble so she needs to be there most of the time. In a way the timing couldn’t be better. She took Peaches, too, so I am completely alone in the house.  I don’t have to be responsible for anyone.  I will water the yard/gardens if it doesn’t rain.  I need this time.  I need to draw in and regroup.  Lick my wounds if you will.  I need to make some decisions.  I’ve been dealing with another situation recently that has nothing to do with the other issues. It’s something that’s been going on for a long time, something I probably should put an end to, but I am discovering that the line between not wanting to deal with something and can’t deal with it can blur all too readily.  I find myself nearly obsessed and that’s not good.  I wish I had a cave I could go to with a little bit of food, some water and a blanket for sleeping and just stay there till I figured out what I was supposed to do.  Exercise helps, I guess, but this damned two-track mind of mine won’t even let up then.  I’m in the throes of swimming, walking, biking, whatever, and all of it’s still back there, going round and round.  The only time I can really escape it is if I’m reading a really good book or watching a movie. Then my focus is completely drawn into the other world.

The other night we were coming back from dinner driving through the reservoir park and she said she felt like she had put me in a bad position because if I was making contingency plans she didn’t think I’d be able to make it since I make so much less money than she does.  I told her that was not a worry.  I didn’t need a car.  I had enough money to manage.  I made less money when I moved out from Dean than I make now. I was only working part time and I found an affordable apartment and managed.  I don’t WANT to move.  I don’t WANT to leave.  But I could.  I can always manage.  There’s no question in my mind of that.  I have proved that more times than I care to remember.

She gets upset when I tell her that. She thinks I should want more than to just “manage”. I don’t know. People want what they want.  I want a life that’s peaceful and not full of worry. For the most part I have that.  I’ve been able to release a lot of the worries I used to have about my daughter and the grandkids.  G is the one who keeps bringing that up.  She has this need for things to be certain ways.  I call it her “code enforcement” mode.  I’m sure a lot of it comes from being in the military and in foster care before that.  You do things THIS way and no other. If I’ve learned nothing else in this life is that people do what they damn well please and you better get used to it or your life will be one big bowl of disappointment.

I tried to explain that over the last few years, I really have taken the Abraham stuff to heart.  One of the reasons I don’t talk a lot about what’s bugging me is that I simply don’t want to BE there.  It’s not denial per se, it’s just that I know these situations are temporary and hashing and re-hashing them doesn’t help, it only makes the problem bigger, more present. I really am trying to  ALLOW things to happen and in order to do that you have to get out of your own way.  I guess that comes across as being uncaring or uninvolved. I don’t know.  I don’t know what she wants me to do.  I don’t know that I really need to DO anything but that’s what she’s all about, doing, fixing, organizing, so I guess it’s uncharted territory when someone says, oh, I’m just allowing, everything will unfold.  And that’s what feels right to me, very intuitive to my nature, how I want to be.

I can’t be someone or something that I’m not.  I’m a loner who’s happy with my own company. I don’t have to talk to someone every day, I don’t have to leave the house.  I don’t mind being alone for days at a time.  I have a whole host of things/people/situations to keep me busy right here between my ears.  I’ve never been bored in my life.  I don’t NEED another person to complete my life, but I’d like the other person to enhance it.  For nine years, I think we have enhanced each other very well.  I believe we can continue to do that, but I think we may have to change some of our ways of doing that, both of us.  I’m not sure how to go about it.  I can’t say I’m not wary.  It’s not only the drinking, it’s what appears to be a growing distance between what we each think is possible.  And sometimes, deep down, I simply don’t believe that I’m capable of sustaining love over the long term.  There’s always the temptation to pull away, draw in when the going gets tough, just back away, go inside, put on the armor and say screw it, I’ll do this myself. I know I can depend on myself.  I’ve yet to be able to depend on anyone else for very long. 

But I’d like to get “us” back.


4 thoughts on “Deep And Raw

  1. That wedding snap is my all time favourite photo of the two of you. Hope you get the ‘us-ness’ back soon!

  2. Hoping a quiet and drama-free week will be restorative for you and provide some space for your feelings to settle out . . . however they may settle out.

    On a happier front, sounds like your ratatouille was a big hit – and that you got some cheesecake leftovers! Will you be cooking any dishes this week that you love (but she doesn’t)? There are opportunities in any circumstance 🙂

    Take care,

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