The snow is coming down heavy outside the window. I have a splitting headache that I’m not sure is from the cold I can’t seem to shake or the wild changes in weather over the last 24 hours (yesterday it was in the mid-60’s, warm and windy). I had my 2nd audit on the new job and only managed to get 98.65% accuracy when I need 99%. I’m going to call my supervisor in a bit to discuss it. She says don’t be discouraged but I am. And I’m not sure I like this job or this schedule at all. But I guess I’m stuck with both for a while.
I don’t really know where this funk is coming from. Part of it is not feeling good. I hate being sick and this is the first cold I’ve had in 5 or 6 years. If you’re healthy, you get used to feeling well most of the time and so when you don’t it’s a real kicker. I also know that one of the reasons I got sick was my current overall dissatisfaction with–things. I’m so tired of spending hours of my day doing something I just not all that thrilled about. Yes, it’s interesting in some ways and yes, it appeals to me on several levels. What’s different about this job versus the one I left is that before I had virtually no supervision and here I have layers of supervision. In some ways that’s good because I get answers to my questions quickly where before I just never got answers at all. But, for me, there is this almost overwhelming feeling of Big Brother watching my every move and that is something I can barely tolerate on a good day.
Saturday, I had to leave my desk to lie down because I just flat felt so horrible. Monday I had to take G to the ER with a migraine that came on so fast it literally took her to the ground. Again, I am very grateful to be only 7 blocks from a hospital and all I did was take her in to the ER and make sure they got her signed in. Then I went back home and back to work until I picked her up when they released her several hours later.
I know I need to make up the time for those incidents. Well, I couldn’t make up Saturday’s time because it was the end of the pay period and they want you to make up time within that. That’s okay, I get it. I’m a grown up, I’ll do what I need to do. I also know that there are a lot of people who aren’t grown ups, who need to be told EVERY SINGLE THING about what to do, when to do it, how to do it, hence Big Brother.
People sometimes ask me if it’s hard to work from home, if I’m not distracted, whatever. I tell them no. This is my JOB. It just happens to be here instead of in an office, where I’ve always found WAY more distractions from my actual job than here at home. I have a set shift. I have work to do. I don’t take it with me away from this desk. So, no, it’s not hard for me to work at home.
I guess a big part of this is going back to all production. And also the rate of pay. Here’s the deal…we have to be 99% accurate. And I don’t have a problem with that, really. I WANT my work to be accurate. We’re also supposed to send questions, etc. to QA. BUT–if we send too much to QA, we get paid less for those reports. So what’s really the message? If I don’t hear something a dictator says, then I don’t hear it. I will listen and listen and listen. I speed it up, I slow it down, I look at their old reports for reference. But sometimes, I just can’t hear or understand it. So I leave a blank. Is that accurate? Well, if I can’t figure out WHAT was said, I think it’s more accurate to leave a blank than to guess. Guessing can actually kill people in this job. So, what is accuracy? And what do they really want? Eight cents a line, people. That’s what I earn on a good day. Eight cents a line. And that’s kind of an industry standard, so it’s not just this place. I don’t know why it all of a sudden just bothers me so much, but it does.
So, I guess I’d like to have another job, but I still want to work at home. I hardly know where to begin looking. I found an interesting place that could be a starting point, but I don’t want to sign up (there’s a monthly fee) until I at least have SOME idea of what I’m going to be making. That’s the trouble with production–you never make the same amount from week to week. It’s like commission. Working on commission was always my idea of a living hell and that hasn’t changed. I can live on next to nothing pretty well since I’ve done it all my life, but I prefer to know exactly what next to nothing I’m going to have each pay period.
So, that’s part of the funk. The daughter factors in here, too. We kept the boys over the weekend, from Friday when they got out of school until Sunday night or Monday morning was the agreement. She was taking a bus to Denver (still has no car) to supposedly go to an orientation for transferring her housing up there. She’s determined to move to Denver and I’m fine with that, really. It’s all the crap that’s going to happen between now and then that I’m dreading.
The boys were really good this weekend. They played on the computer, played Wii, played outside, helped G, and stayed quiet while I was working. I cooked breakfast and did stuff with them till I went to work. They went to bed on time, etc. On Sunday (because I know how she is), I texted my daughter in the morning to make sure she was going to get the bus back here that night. Yes, she replied, the bus left Denver at 7. So, of course at around 3 p.m, she calls and says there’s something she HAS to do with housing on Monday, blah, blah, blah. G was on the phone with her and I just had to hang up. I was like, Monday is President’s day. No one in housing is going to be working, why are you lying to me? She always lies to me. I cannot abide it when people lie to me, especially my own family. She may be transferring her housing to Denver but I know there is a guy involved–with her there is always a guy involved. Fine, whatever. But who pays for that? I do, G does and the boys do. GS1 told G that they are, once again, going to have to leave their pets behind. A cat and a puppy. Why she had to go and get another fucking puppy I have no idea. I don’t understand that. And the boys LOVE these animals. They have bonded with them, etc. What is wrong with her? I wouldn’t get her a dog when we were living with my folks because 1) I couldn’t AFFORD it, and 2) I didn’t want the responsibility of it and 3) I, myself, didn’t have the TIME it takes to properly look after an animal and I wasn’t going to shove that off on anyone else. Why, why, why do people who are on the edge, have no money, are always in danger of losing their dwelling ALWAYS seem to insist on having animals? I simply don’t understand it.
Anyway, G talked to her after I hung up in disgust and she was on the bus back to Pueblo Sunday night. I picked her up at the bus stop with the boys and took them home. I’m sure I’ll get the silent treatment for a while now. And I’m okay with that. GS2 called me last night to see if I could take him to school today and tomorrow which of course I will do.
So, there’s my life at the moment. I am finding it very difficult to look for grace and gratitude and abundance in all of this, although I realize it’s there somewhere. I feel contrary and perpendicular to everything good in my life right now. I’m watching the snow still falling outside the window and suddenly realize I’m tired of being cold. I’d love to go back to sleep, but breakfast is probably a better idea. And I still have to call my supervisor.
It may be Thursday by the calendar, but it’s totally Monday for me.