It’s a little after 3 a.m. and sleep is an elusive creature with beautiful wings that won’t land anywhere near me.  I was hoping I could get through the whole month with nothing but poetry posts, but it’s not happening.  After sleeping in two-hour bursts and then lying awake for nearly two hours, this is the only thing that’s going to help.  Maybe.

I think I’m having a midlife crisis, only I don’t really know what that is.  I’m not depressed.  I’ve been there, and this isn’t it.  I’m more discontented, disgruntled, annoyed, frustrated.  It’s about 99.9% related to my job.  No, that’s wrong.  I like my job.  I do.  It’s more related about how much I get paid.  There’s a subject for a rant.  I’m sure no one really thinks they get paid enough for the work they do.  But it’s so very difficult to sit here hour after hour, day after day, processing all this vital, personal information, turning lazy babble and collections of random words into something inteligible and each paycheck I get is less than the one before.  It’s like the harder I work, the worse off I am.  When it comes to my “career” that seems to be the story of my life.

I don’t know what I’m supposed to be learning from this.  I’m paying my bills, barely.  I’m keeping up with my part of our expenses, barely.  But there’s not a penny left over and my meager savings are dwindling.  G is really the only thing keeping me from being a bag lady on the street.  That’s not a joke.  My daughter’s washer and dryer went out on her and I can’t even think about trying to help her.  I can’t even think about it.  The up side is that I’ve managed NOT to use my credit cards for months now and that is a good thing.  But get this…since I got this damn new computer, I can’t seem to load my free transcription software, Express Scribe, from a company called NCH.  This means I can’t do any freelance work from my good client in Denver.  This means I can’t even supplement my income now.  I’ve tried everything I know to do.  I even had a friend access my computer remotely.  He took out all the files, even from the registry, re-downloaded and still it wouldn’t work.  He was stumped and that’s something.  So, I have no idea what to do next.  Maybe call the trusty folks that transferred my data.  We’ll see.

I’m trying to work on my resume.  It seems an exercise in futility.  I’m completely uninspired.  I feel like everything is just being whittled away from me until there’s going to be nothing left.  Then what?  I guess once again I will have to rise out of my own ashes and start over yet again.  I’m tired of starting over.  I still have no idea what I want to be or do when I grow up.  I’d like to feel passion about something, but I don’t.  I’m interested in a lot of things, but not passionate–not in the way I define passion, anyway.  I just feel completely burned out and empty.  I’d like to have some time.  Some time to think and make notes and write and not have to be rushed about everything, to lose one train of thought when something else demands my immediate attention, then get dragged away from that by yet another demand.  I get up in the morning with such good intentions.  I’ll write, I’ll exercise, I’ll get this accomplished.  I’m good until G wakes up, then she wants my attention, and honestly, she deserves it.  I have been a total grump lately.  I’m so fried when I finish work at 8 p.m., it’s all I can do to carry on a coherent conversation.  So, I should give her my attention in the morning. 

I’ve been enjoying the garden early and that’s a good thing, no, a great thing.  We take our morning tour each day, coffee in hand, and she shows me what she did the day before.  The flowers and veggies are coming on and the whole place is just gorgeous.  We’ve had a few nights of actual rain and I’ve done weeding and worked out there with her more than usual, and THAT is one thing I hoped to accomplish with this new schedule and that’s good.  That would be hard to give up.  I am cherishing my mornings out there with her, or alone when I get up earlier.  It’s not all bad; it never is.

The trouble is, I’m a smart person.  I’m a hard worker.  I LIKE to work.  I show up every day to an intricate job that pays badly.  I get nearly NO feedback from anyone in my company of over 3000+ employees, and yet, there I am.  Working.  No one standing over my shoulder to make sure I do it.  Of course I get told when I make a mistake, but not when I do well.  But that’s not just this company, that’s just jobs in general.  Do I want to be handed a great job with a good salary without having to put out a lot of effort to get it?  Why, yes, I would like exactly that.  There, I said it.  I want the perfect job for me to just fall into my lap.  The trouble is, I really have no idea what the “perfect” job for me is.  And that’s the rub.  I’ve done so many different things, and without false modesty, I’ve done them well, and found some form of fulfillment in all of them.  So, I’m stuck.  I’m sad and frustrated and probably more than a little angry.  I’m worried.  G is a rock and I do my best to talk about all this with her and be honest about my finances, etc.  I just wish I could figure out what I really wanted instead of all this knowing what I don’t want.


8 thoughts on “Stuck

  1. I wonder if there’s something in the air… I just got done posting something that feels similar, though I worded it quite differently – in my case it plays out more in my personal than my work life. But yeah, I was up writing at 4:00 in the morning in an attempt to get it all out of my system, too. Here’s hoping we figure out our dreams, our wants, our wishes, and our paths forward.

  2. Knowing you only from your blog, I think a career using your writing skills would be right (write) up your alley. There are many directions to go, but one I think could take off quickly and make you some money and give you a quickly built portfolio is to build simple webpages using WordPress for other folks. I am not necessarily talking about businesses, but about folks who want to blog, but don’t know how to get started. You could also give classes and charge once you get started.

    If that doesn’t float your boat, you could submit articles to magazines and blogs that pay for writers. There are also lots of internet companies that use folks like you to write really good content with lots of good keywords and phrases to get their products to the top of the search engine lists.

    For any of the WordPress info or how to write for search engines, there are tons of YouTube videos and help pages. You could also search for Wordcamp videos to see sessions given all over the country to teach WordPress. We had one here last year and I learned tons of stuff.

    Here is a link to a list of folks that pay for articles. You can find all kinds of other ideas with a “paid to write” Google search.

    Good luck with figuring it all out. Wish you lived locally here so I could try to fix your computer problem. I am sort of in the same boat as far as not knowing what I want to do when I grow up. I love remodeling, but I can’t keep it up. My body is giving out.

    • Ruth, thank you so much for your comment and the information. I will definitely check out the links. Looking at the last nearly 20 years of work, I see a 6-year pattern and I’m in my 6th year of this type of work. So, it may just be time for a change.

  3. i feel like the boat we are in is getting fuller by the moon…not being positive or setting goals or desires is not a good idea but it sure gets tiring setting them and watching them get washed away by the general economics..i have a passion i know and in spite of everything i have stuck with it…maybe i am in denial and my all will go down the drain…S is a rock in my life but she can not be my float either…keep thinking my friend and doing the best you can…i can only hope and believe that the
    right thing will happen when it is supposed too…

    • Jill, the passion for your work will carry you through. I do envy you and other folks who know exactly what their work is supposed to be. Maybe I’ll find it one of these days! Hang in there and you know you’re always welcome over here if you need a break.

  4. Thanks for writing my blog post for me…
    Yep, in the same boat in a lot of ways, and looking for a paddle. I’m turning 53 and still searching.
    Hang in there, GG.

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