It’s a little after 3 a.m. and sleep is an elusive creature with beautiful wings that won’t land anywhere near me. I was hoping I could get through the whole month with nothing but poetry posts, but it’s not happening. After sleeping in two-hour bursts and then lying awake for nearly two hours, this is the only thing that’s going to help. Maybe.
I think I’m having a midlife crisis, only I don’t really know what that is. I’m not depressed. I’ve been there, and this isn’t it. I’m more discontented, disgruntled, annoyed, frustrated. It’s about 99.9% related to my job. No, that’s wrong. I like my job. I do. It’s more related about how much I get paid. There’s a subject for a rant. I’m sure no one really thinks they get paid enough for the work they do. But it’s so very difficult to sit here hour after hour, day after day, processing all this vital, personal information, turning lazy babble and collections of random words into something inteligible and each paycheck I get is less than the one before. It’s like the harder I work, the worse off I am. When it comes to my “career” that seems to be the story of my life.
I don’t know what I’m supposed to be learning from this. I’m paying my bills, barely. I’m keeping up with my part of our expenses, barely. But there’s not a penny left over and my meager savings are dwindling. G is really the only thing keeping me from being a bag lady on the street. That’s not a joke. My daughter’s washer and dryer went out on her and I can’t even think about trying to help her. I can’t even think about it. The up side is that I’ve managed NOT to use my credit cards for months now and that is a good thing. But get this…since I got this damn new computer, I can’t seem to load my free transcription software, Express Scribe, from a company called NCH. This means I can’t do any freelance work from my good client in Denver. This means I can’t even supplement my income now. I’ve tried everything I know to do. I even had a friend access my computer remotely. He took out all the files, even from the registry, re-downloaded and still it wouldn’t work. He was stumped and that’s something. So, I have no idea what to do next. Maybe call the trusty folks that transferred my data. We’ll see.
I’m trying to work on my resume. It seems an exercise in futility. I’m completely uninspired. I feel like everything is just being whittled away from me until there’s going to be nothing left. Then what? I guess once again I will have to rise out of my own ashes and start over yet again. I’m tired of starting over. I still have no idea what I want to be or do when I grow up. I’d like to feel passion about something, but I don’t. I’m interested in a lot of things, but not passionate–not in the way I define passion, anyway. I just feel completely burned out and empty. I’d like to have some time. Some time to think and make notes and write and not have to be rushed about everything, to lose one train of thought when something else demands my immediate attention, then get dragged away from that by yet another demand. I get up in the morning with such good intentions. I’ll write, I’ll exercise, I’ll get this accomplished. I’m good until G wakes up, then she wants my attention, and honestly, she deserves it. I have been a total grump lately. I’m so fried when I finish work at 8 p.m., it’s all I can do to carry on a coherent conversation. So, I should give her my attention in the morning.
I’ve been enjoying the garden early and that’s a good thing, no, a great thing. We take our morning tour each day, coffee in hand, and she shows me what she did the day before. The flowers and veggies are coming on and the whole place is just gorgeous. We’ve had a few nights of actual rain and I’ve done weeding and worked out there with her more than usual, and THAT is one thing I hoped to accomplish with this new schedule and that’s good. That would be hard to give up. I am cherishing my mornings out there with her, or alone when I get up earlier. It’s not all bad; it never is.
The trouble is, I’m a smart person. I’m a hard worker. I LIKE to work. I show up every day to an intricate job that pays badly. I get nearly NO feedback from anyone in my company of over 3000+ employees, and yet, there I am. Working. No one standing over my shoulder to make sure I do it. Of course I get told when I make a mistake, but not when I do well. But that’s not just this company, that’s just jobs in general. Do I want to be handed a great job with a good salary without having to put out a lot of effort to get it? Why, yes, I would like exactly that. There, I said it. I want the perfect job for me to just fall into my lap. The trouble is, I really have no idea what the “perfect” job for me is. And that’s the rub. I’ve done so many different things, and without false modesty, I’ve done them well, and found some form of fulfillment in all of them. So, I’m stuck. I’m sad and frustrated and probably more than a little angry. I’m worried. G is a rock and I do my best to talk about all this with her and be honest about my finances, etc. I just wish I could figure out what I really wanted instead of all this knowing what I don’t want.