What The Hell?

I have no idea what is going on with my life right now.  Suddenly, well, no, not suddenly.  I’m trying to think back to when all “this” started.  If I had to pin it down, I guess it started some time after I got back from my swim in San Francisco.  You know, I have not been in the water since then.  That may well be part of the problem.  I need to swim.  I need to wash off all the crap of the day in a large body of water and leave it all behind when I climb out.  Maybe that should be my first goal to pull myself out of this awful funk.  Swim.

But the other stuff, oh, dear God.  Seriously.  My new computer died.  Did I tell you that?  Yes, it died.  Last Saturday morning.  I was working along, happily doing a nice, long file with a good dictator and another one behind it, when WHAM!  My transcription platform disappeared, then half my icons vanished and boom, computer off.  Then I tried to turn it back on.  Sort of started up but no.  Same thing again.  So I left it, went upstairs and tried not to panic.  A while later, it came on but just made it to the Windows screen and hung there, kind of pulsating.  Great.  Lovely.  Ever have that feeling of being totally fucked?  Yeah, that one.  You know it.

So, I went upstairs and made coffee.  Woke up G.  Tried the computer again.  You know what the definition of insanity is, right?  Yeah.  Then it hit me…I still had the old machine.  When I brought it back from getting the data transferred to the new one, my computer guy told me it would run, but he couldn’t guarantee for how long.  Whatever, I had to try because I had to work.  So, I got the new one out of the way and set up the old one.  Guess which machine I’m typing this on tonight?  Yeah.  You got it.  Gotta love an old work horse.  Kinda like me.  In computer years, this machine is prolly older than me, too.

Later that night after work, I re-hooked the new machine and called customer “support”.  I’m still laughing, but it’s bitter.  Got one of those “support” plans, right?  And the guy was nice and he walked me through everything.  He was pretty sure I had a virus.  Oh, we didn’t tell you that the “support” plan doesn’t include damage from viruses?  Oh, so sorry.  Well.   So, Monday I called my folks at TechnoDoctor here in town.  Best people ever.  Took the computer in and yesterday Mark called me and turned out it was a bad hard drive.  So, I guess it WOULD have been covered under my replacement plan, only I would have had to send it somewhere and heaven only knows when I would have got it back, etc. etc. 

So, now I have my new machine back…BUT…oh yes, there’s always a BUT.  In the meantime of all that, my Hotmail account, that I’ve had for FOURTEEN YEARS, somehow got hacked or something and completely locked me out.  Totally.  I can’t get in, can’t change the PW, nothing.  And of course, it was time for me to do my alumnae news for our college publication.  Wheee, what fun.  And, after I got the new machine back, again, they transfer data but not software, so I have to reload my Office 2010 AND get hold of someone at my work IT department to walk me through loading the transcription platform so I can work on it again.  So, at 10:30 this morning, I said no way, unhooked the new machine, hooked up the old faithful and here I am again.

See, it’s shit like this that’s driving me nuts.  I am trying to figure out what to do, what I want to be when I grow up, but how can I when I don’t have ONE FREE SECOND to think about anything???  That’s the trouble with the world…there’s no THINKING time.  We’re all so busy working and putting out fires and taking care of THINGS that only want to break and leave us hanging that we can’t get anything done or keep a coherent thought in our heads.  We laugh and we say it’s menopause or Mercury in retrograde or “senior moments” but it just too damn much STUFF in our lives.

And then G says, What do you want to do on your day off, because I haven’t planned anything….and I know I’m supposed to say, let’s go fishing, or let’s go hiking or let’s paint the house or let’s dig a  new garden or let’s remodel the basement or something wonderfully productive when all I want to do is lie on my yoga mat and BREATHE.  Just.  Breathe.  How do you explain that to someone who simply cannot sit still for longer than five minutes?  I don’t think it’s possible.  It’s like trying to translate Sanskrit into BTUs.  It just doesn’t go.

So.  That is my life for the last few weeks.  Not to mention that we’re breaking 100+ year heat records and we’re having fires all over the place.  It was 106 degrees here today and supposed to be hotter than that the next couple of days.  When did I move to Phoenix???  I don’t feel like cooking, I don’t feel like writing.  I am managing to get some exercise most days early in the morning, either biking or getting back into yoga and stretching which I have sorely missed also.  I wish I could say I didn’t feel like eating, but of course, nothing gets in the way of that.  Bring on the stretch pants!

I feel like an utter, ungrateful bitch to whine and complain like this.  I have a damn-near perfect life and I know it.  Trust me, I KNOW how good my life is.  I don’t feel like I have any right to complain about anything, and yet here I am, blah, blah, blah.  I’m starting to bore myself, so I’ll quit while I’m ahead.  Somebody leave me a comment and give me some advice about how I can get myself out of this damn pit.  I am tired of it!


14 thoughts on “What The Hell?

  1. and i’ve got big hugs too. You are NOT an ungrateful bitch or anything else you’ve been calling yourself. If a crashed computer is not a valid reason for wanting to hide under a blankie, i don’t know what is.
    take care of you.

  2. Thank you, Chicu, I am trying. I’ll send you a new email address soon. Hope the fires in your part of the world are under control now.

  3. If you can’t use your blog for complaining, what the hell good is it? Yes, you have things that are making you crazy and yes, you are entitled to a rant. Let it out!

    And, I know exactly what you mean about there being no time for anything. Not one free second! I’m suffering from that too! ARGH!!!

    All we can do is breathe, center ourselves, and remember “This too shall pass…”


  4. e, one of these days we need to go on a vacation together, sit on a beach or on the porch of a mountain cabin and just read and do nothing at all for about a month. What do you think??

  5. I commented to S the other day that if i would just plan out my monthly schedule with my Alzheimer’s work i could have a paycheck every month…and she smiled so sweet and said ” that means i would have to actually choose to work “…sigh..i now know what the problem is..since i took on this semi-retired attitude after loosing the shelter job it is easier and easier to just be in the studio and garden and not choose outside work..and i can not really afford to not work..i am also thankful i do not depend on my computer for work anymore and i love the techno guys cause they seem to be able to solve anything..as far as explaining to G what you need and knowing she might not understand…my friend, you need to do for you first or you will not be able to be available to anyone else. What you are supposed to say is the truth about what you need on your day off and G is an adult and should be able to understand that at least …days off are not always about going and doing and fixing and being productive…that is part of the too much stuff you mentioned..you are productive during your work week and deserve to do exactly nothing on your days off if that is what you need…it is different sometimes being a working person living with a retired person..i know..i love you and i know you will come to the top like good cream.

    • Thank you, Jill, you are so right. I have to always continue to learn to stand up for me. I know that YOU know better than most that an hour lost in a book is better than a three-hour nap!

    • Thanks, Ruth! I don’t know if it was this site or if doing it three times is the charm, but I got my Hotmail back today! Yay!

  6. You know what they say: “Sink, or swim.”

    Go swimming, woman. You so need it! So often when I think of you, I remember your swimming regimen back in college.

    • Maggie, you are so right. No more excuses. G has to go to Denver tomorrow and will have the car but Wednesday–back in the water. I promise.

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