The boys just left for Denver. We had a good week. We went swimming, fishing, to the library, driving in the mountains, cooked out a lot on the grill, hung out, watched movies, played games. Of course GS2 had to get cranky because he wanted to take his soccer ball with him and G had to lecture him, and so what might have been sweet was turned sour. They all drove off without looking back. I think that’s the tag line of being American. We leave without looking back.
Right now I don’t know how to feel. I’m relieved that my daughter won’t be in borrowing distance now, sad that the boys are going to be that far away now that they’re really getting fun, more than a little pissed at G because she pretty much dismissed me down here when I came back into the house after the car drove off. I decided to take the rest of the day off and make up the time later, because I thought we could just hang out and be gentle with each other, but I didn’t even get a chance to say that and after the short tone, I didn’t even want to tell her. She’s upstairs scouring, scrubbing, sanitizing–one because PEOPLE HAVE BEEN IN THE HOUSE, but also because that’s how she’s going to handle it. I get it. She has to stay busy. I just want to curl up and weep for so many reasons.
GS1 made no bones about the fact that he would rather stay here and live with us. I get that. I also know that once he gets up there and makes some friends, that will probably change. I reminded him about our conversation we had before he started middle school. He said, “It’s going to be so hard.” I said no, it was going to be different and after he got used to it, it would be easy. And it was. Sixth grade can be really hard, but he had a good year. This will be similar. He’s got an easygoing nature and a sense of humor. People like him. He’ll be fine. GS2 is more his mama’s boy, so wherever she is, he wants to be. She said she thought there was a large K-8 or K-12 school just three blocks from the new place. If that’s the case, then they can walk, which will be a blessing. And she’s quite close to the new job she’ll be starting tomorrow. She actually put some thought into this. I can’t argue with her wanting to have a better opportunity, more things for the kids to do, better schools, etc. That’s all good. Even missing the boys is all right. We go up to Denver enough, so we’ll be able to see them and then when they come down here to visit, it’ll be a real treat.
I’m still teary-eyed but writing helps. Writing always helps because I can write the things I’m too choked up to say. I just don’t know what’s going on between G and me. The other night, when I was afraid maybe my daughter wasn’t going to show up, I finally get into bed, looking forward to a moment’s peace before I fall asleep and she asks me, “So if you had to support those two boys, what would you do?” I was like, NOW?? You have to ask me this NOW? Honestly, I don’t know what I would do, but I would manage. I have always managed. I would figure it out somehow and I guess if I had to move out and be on my own, I would. Maybe I’ve become too complacent, too dependent on her extra income. Maybe I need to suck it up, go work at a call center, snarf up to the corporate tit, play the game, blabber the jargon, move up the ladder, all that good bullshit. If I put my soul on hold, I could be managing a damn call center in less than a year. I know statistics, I can motivate people, I’m good at all that meaningless crap. I just don’t want to do it. It’s that simple. But, maybe that’s what this time, this week, this particular transition, is telling me. I didn’t move out from Dean until my daughter moved in with her then BF, so maybe it’s a pattern. I don’t WANT to move out. I don’t feel like G and I are really in that kind of crisis, I think we’re as solid as ever, but sometimes when she asks me those kinds of questions I do, because it’s like she’s saying, Hey, if that does happen, you’re on your own. I’m just confused. Would she kick me out? What? I’m confused and sad right now and not motivated and I ABSOLUTELY HATE HOT WEATHER which makes everything I’m feeling worse by a factor of 10.
So, I’m going to fall back on what has helped me in the last couple of weeks. I’m going to make some decisions. First, I’ve decided not to work for the rest of the day. Second, I’m going to clean up around my desk/office area, dust and get organized. Yeah, don’t faint. After that, I’ll see what happens. And maybe I’ll get an email from the boys later. In the meantime, at least the top of the house will be immaculate by the time I get up there.