Weekly Wisdom

It’s Monday and I should be hard at work pounding the keyboard for another reason, but apparently, not enough people are sick today, so I have a moment’s breather.  Today I am grateful I got up at 5 am and jumped right on so at least I got about an hour and a half before I had to wake up E to get ready for school.  If things pick up shortly, I should be all right. But that’s not what this post is about. It’s about a lot of stuff, some of which won’t make it in here, but mainly it’s about a place online where I go weekly (most weeks, sometimes I forget, imagine that) and recently, the advice and messages I’ve received have been so timely that I finally had to blog about it. The place is Bohemian Path Tarot, and specifically the Weekly Tarotscope. Jen, the site’s owner, uses a combination of astrology and Tarot, and boy, does that pack a punch. There are weeks when I am literally breathless after reading my particular card. Or, I should say, cards. As far as my sun sign goes, I’m a Taurus, and most people who know me and anything about the sign can see that.  However, what most people don’t know is that my ascendant, moon, and about three other houses are in Scorpio, so I always read that card as well. Oddly, or maybe not, the messages of the two cards usually sum up about 98% of what’s going on in my life at the moment, with very good advice about how to manage it, which I may or may not pay attention to. But that’s how we are, right? The road to hell is paved with good advice, or something like that. So, if you’re in need of a little nudge along your path, if you’re up in the air about any issue in your life, or if you just want to see what the site is all about, head over there and check it out. At the least, you’ll get a little bit of amusement, and who couldn’t use a little more of that?

But on to the harder stuff.  Sometimes when a card is so right on, it can be difficult to stop and let it sink in. You want to skim over it, just hurriedly say, Oh, yeah, I get that, and look away before reality can sink in. Over the past few months, there’s been a lot of that here. I need to let some of it sink in and really be with it, so that I can have some kind of idea how I want to proceed in the next few weeks, months, years. Lots has changed here, and I have a feeling that things are going to keep on changing. I can’t say for better or worse, only that nothing is going to stay the same, which is true regardless of what your situation may be. Plus ca change…

This week’s wisdom begins with the Taurus card, which was the Five of Pentacles (or Rainbows, since I automatically convert any traditional tarot card to my favorite Osho Zen Deck).  Here’s what Jen’s interpretation says:

“This card suggests a low cycle and/or limited resources. Often, it’s just a common cold that sneaks up on you. Sometimes it’s directly about finances and maybe you owe the taxman or you overspent at the mall and charged more than you budgeted for the week. Something has (or a series of things have) impacted your feeling of stability. Not to worry, it’s just a phase. And there is help available if you need it. Whether it be a church, a therapist, a mentor, a friend, a parent, or the cold medication that lets you sleep…relief is nearby. You don’t have to suffer in silence. Take care of yourself, and don’t be afraid to ask for help.”

Fortunately, I’m not getting a cold, but the rest of it? Pretty much dead on.  Now, for work on this, I went to one of my favorite books, “Tarot For Your Self” by Mary K. Greer. I’ve used this book for years.  One of the things I really like about it is that for every card interpretation, there are questions to ask, so you can dig deeper into the meaning and how it’s impacting you at the moment.  Additionally, Greer’s interpretation is spot on: “Voluntary simplicity and unconventionality. Uncertainty creating anxiety, worry, and stress (DUH!) Loss of job, home, security. Feeling “out in the cold.”

Well. Could be be more accurate? Or depressing? But that’s about where I am.  Week before last, I ended up in the ER because at that time, I really wanted to just drive my car off a bridge. They evaluated me and pronounced me with “adjustment disorder” and sent me home without any prescriptions. I guess that’s good, I don’t know. So, as you might surmise, things aren’t going so well.  Or, they are, or I think they are, and then something happens and I don’t respond right or say or do the right thing, or yell enough or be hard-ass enough, and then we’re right back where we were. I’m not going into details, but you get the idea.

Now for the questions and the time to be brutally honest.

1. What are your survival concerns?  Pretty simple. If I left G, life would be really hard, especially if E decided to come with me and not go back to his mother or in foster care. I don’t know if he’d want to stay with her, but if he did, it wouldn’t really surprise me, though I’m sure it would surprise HER because she thinks he hates her and worships me. So, I’d be looking pretty much at a studio apartment somewhere within walking distance of a lot of places or on the bus line for sure. I’d have to maintain an Internet connection for work, but would definitely have to pick up a 2nd job. The voluntary simplicity isn’t so hard. I’ve been working on downsizing a number of things recently, but haven’t made nearly as much progress as I’d like. Honestly, I think I would be happiest if I put a few things in a backpack, cashed out what little IRA I have, maxed out my credit cards for a plane ticket and headed back to Spain. Yesterday was a big blow up, which, again, I won’t go into detail, but later I told E to remember that I did not own a car or a television set. He looked at me curiously and I just said, “Think about it.”

2. What have you chosen to give up or do without? Why? I’ve quit swimming.  I’ve quit going to the gym. I’ve pretty much quit moving all together except that I have gone back to my t’ai chi class and we are moving forward and I practice that fairly often–it’s a nice break every 45 minutes or so when I’m working to review the form. Helps get the kinks out and doesn’t take too long for just one run through. I’ve quit going to movies. Hell, I’ve quit watching movies. Just never seems to be enough time, forget the money. I still watch a couple of shows on TV, but even they aren’t holding my attention like they used to. Sometimes I feel like my whole life can be summed up in one word, which happens to be, “Meh.” Why? Obviously finances. G has become this Ebeneezer Scrooge-like character who constantly worries about money and how little we have and how we have to watch every cent and how much everything is going to cost. The recent budget crisis didn’t help because we were really making plans about how to take care of things if it all fell through and we had to survive on my income.  It wasn’t a happy thought, but I also knew that whatever needed to be taken care of would have been and we would have got by somehow. Beyond the obvious monetary reasons, I don’t know. For a long time, part of it was because we only have one car, and I hesitated to leave her without a vehicle if I wanted to go off on my own. Now, some lovely friends have let us use a spare truck and we’re housing it in our garage versus it being out in the cold weather all winter and not being driven. So transportation is not a problem. The other thing is that it has become very hard to do things by myself. Not because of any anxiety about that, but because it feels like I’m leaving her out of stuff. But I’m HAPPY when I do stuff alone, so why do I always feel like I need to either apologize or just not do it for the sake of “togetherness”? I don’t know. I’m probably over thinking everything, as I normally do, but there it is.

3. What are you worried or anxious about? See above. Ha. This doesn’t even touch on the whole E issue. But really, this stuff was happening long before he got here. Yes, really. All has not been well here for a while. I keep trying to pinpoint exactly when it happened, and I really can’t, only to say that it might have started after San Francisco. I’m not sure why. I understand that sometimes coming off a peak experience causes a shift of emotions, etc, but I can’t blame it all on that. I don’t want to blame at all, and that’s part of the problem. I’m tired of dissecting everything to death. G can’t stop talking about everything that’s wrong, name a subject, and she goes on and on and on and ON. I’m like, okay, let’s talk about it for 30 minutes and then can we put it away for a while and get on with our lives? She agrees in principle, but then the subject continues to pop up in every conversation until it’s like we never stopped talking about it. It makes me tired, which is how I also feel most of the time.

4. What conventions/injustices are you rebelling against? Do you have the rest of the month to listen? My whole life has been a rebellion, although a very quiet one. I want to LIVE the way I believe. I want to put things in action, not just talk about them. So maybe I should say, this isn’t good for either of us any more. Maybe I should live in that one bedroom apartment, with no car and very few possessions, and just say screw it to the rest of the materialistic, frenetic, uber-connected world. Or maybe I should join a Buddhist temple. I. Don’t. Know.

5. What inequalities or injustices are you trying to change? I’m not sure I’m trying to change any of them consciously or voluntarily. But I do think that all of us have to change the way we think about what “enough” is, what “success” is, what “rich” is. I try so hard not to focus on all the bad stuff. That doesn’t mean I don’t acknowledge that it exists, of course it does. But I don’t want to focus on it. But it’s incredibly difficult NOT to focus on all the bad stuff, all the negativity, all the things we need to “punish” someone for, all the ways we bump up against each other, when that’s all that’s being talked about, drummed on, thrown in front of me, every single day. I’m trying to breathe, trying to meditate, trying not to get agitated and raise the level of the whole conversation, or whatever you want to call it…not to escalate it. I feel that is really the solution for me. I need to let everyone else whirl around in their typhoons of what should be or what must be or what better be, or else, and I just need to allow that and try, try, TRY to be the calm eye of the storm as everyone else rages around me.

And that is a good lesson.


3 thoughts on “Weekly Wisdom

  1. In my life i have spend a lot of time doing or being something because of what i interpreted the other persons thoughts as. Perhaps the best lesson i have ever learned is that someone else’s actions and reactions are their own..i need to forgive myself for my actions and move on. that being said however it is difficult to move into one’s own space of emotions when there is no place in which to move. You are in reaction to someone else’s reaction and that is a hard place to get out of with out the thought of hurting another’s feelings. Some how G needs to own her own fear and get help with it out side of your relation
    ship. I have more that i would love to talk to you about and if you ever need an out side ear call me…

  2. I feel you. Deeply.

    I think you are doing the best you can and you are to be commended for that. I have been in a similar situation (teenager moving in and partner troubles) and know how incredibly challenging it is. Beyond the teenager issue, I am also empathizing on the partner difference issue. Because that one is even bigger.

    I feel that I can really relate to the partner issue, especially the negativity, the judging, the jumping to the worst conclusion all the time. I also try to just sit silently and find that calm center. Sometimes I can let it all go, but more often than not I am dragged into the drama. It is exhausting.

    The thing is, E is only one part of the equation. You would have gotten to this place eventually, right? I don’t know what to say other than, you must trust yourself.

    Vent my direction any time. Really.

  3. I can relate to so much of this.
    You have taken on a lot and that is sure to cause stress. I guess the only sort of helpful thing I can say is that it’s important to put you first in your life equation, at least once in awhile. What makes you happy? I know that probably sounds really trite, but it’s important to keep in mind.

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